The Gentle Savior

My awesome daughters can be very insightful — and also don’t judge me.

I’m very blessed to have two smart adult daughters. They sometimes make suggestions (or lovingly enlighten me about myself), and I figure that if I ever expect them to listen to my advice it’s only fair that I respect their wisdom too. When my older daughter Jessi recommended that I read Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis, I got right on it.

Jessi was right that I would like this book. Each chapter is about a lie we tell ourselves, and when I got to the chapter called “I’m better than you,” one paragraph struck a particularly familiar chord:

“…We all judge each other, but even though we all do it, that’s not an excuse. Judging is still one of the most hurtful, spiteful impulses we own, and our judgments keep us from building a stronger tribe . . . or from having a tribe in the first place. Our judgment prohibits us from beautiful, life-affirming friendships. Our judgment keeps us from connecting in deeper, richer ways because we’re too stuck on the surface-level assumptions we’ve made.”

I wrote on the topic of judgment a few years back in a series of posts about relationships among Christian women. At my speaking events I would do anonymous mini-surveys asking women to complete this statement, “I would have more close relationships with the women in my church if only…” The frequency of statements like the following confirmed that we have a real problem: (Read More)

I’m heading over to Charlottesville’s Shelter for Help in Emergency this Friday night for my monthly volunteer shift, so the topic of domestic violence is on my mind. Plus, I wanted to share some thoughts on this issue before October ends.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how important it is.

I did some web surfing about how churches and Christians often deal with domestic violence, so since I’m not the expert, I’m going to share with you some of the powerful words of writers who are. Links are included to each full article.

From Domestic Violence within the Church: The Ugly Truth:

“Spouse abuse shocks us,” [Denise] George writes. “We just cannot believe that a church deacon or member goes home after worship . . . and beats his wife.” Tragically, however, George notes, some of these men justify their violence “by citing biblical passages.”

George sites a survey in which nearly 6,000 pastors were asked how they would counsel women who came to them for help with domestic violence. Twenty-six percent would counsel them … to continue to “submit” to her husband, no matter what. Twenty-five percent told wives the abuse was their own fault—for failing to submit in the first place. Astonishingly, 50 percent said women should be willing to “tolerate some level of violence” because it is better than divorce. Advice like this, George warns, often puts women “in grave danger”—and in some cases, can be a death warrant. (Read More)

As a student and follower of Jesus for most of my life, I have wanted my behavior to reflect his teachings. Sometimes in my efforts to obey Jesus, however, I have used his teachings in ways he did not intend.

I confess that I have misused scripture as a cover for my discomfort with initiating difficult emotional situations. Instead of letting the beautiful teachings and examples of scripture transform me, I used them as righteous make-up to disguise my fear and emotional ineptness—I think I even fooled myself.

Here are some of the concepts that I have misapplied in my life for way too long.

1. Love

^“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:12-13) (Read More)

OK.

Deep breath.

I think I can do this.

I haven’t written a post for this blog since last April. Some things in my life got too overwhelming, and once I quit, I couldn’t find my way back here again.

Because other people are involved, I am still not at liberty to provide details, but exactly one year ago today things fell apart in my life. Years of constantly niggling but unaddressed issues came to a head, and life changed drastically for me.

I kept writing through last winter and keeping my speaking engagements, but by spring I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was too sad, too angry, too disappointed, too broken. I felt like I had no answers to anything and no spiritual credibility.

Over the past year God has gotten me through. That’s one thing I never doubted. I’ve learned some hard things about myself, though. I’ve learned that Christianity’s forgiveness and forbearance can also be dangerous covers for conflict avoidance issues. I’ve learned to face some fears. I’ve been incredibly humbled. I’ve been amazingly supported by wonderful friends—most of them Christian, but not all.

Maybe the biggest surprise of all is the way God got me back here today. A woman named Carol moved into a spare bedroom last October. I thought she was just going to be a reliable roommate. I didn’t realize what a gift was coming into my life. Carol is a mature and wise Christian woman with a ministry of her own, and she has been a constant encouragement to me.

She has the women at her church starting their first women’s Bible study, and she chose my book, The Gentle Savior, for their first study. Also, she invited me to speak at their opening session next Saturday morning.

I’m really excited about it. I think God has me ready for this. And I think I’m ready to start writing again on a somewhat regular basis.

I’m probably a little bit different person this time around. I have some new life experiences, and I’m still not on the other side of everything that happened a year ago today.

I praise God, though, for being my refuge and strength, and for sending a new friend to live for a while downstairs. Without them both, I probably would have abandoned this blog for good.

Once again, I think I have something to say, and you can blame it on them.

There. I did it!

*Psalm 28:7

From Fear to Trust

In my previous post I suggested that our tendency to judge each other is one barrier against close relationships with our Christian sisters.

We also, sometimes, inadvertently come off as disapproving or condemning, even though it’s the furthest thing from our minds. Communicating love and acceptance to other women, especially women who are wounded and hurting, takes conscientious effort.

In that post I shared some statements from Christian women about what it would take to have closer relationships with the women in their church. Here are some examples:

If I wasn’t fearful of their judgment—not measuring up. 

If they were real and able to be trusted….If I weren’t afraid for them to see the real me. 

If I felt like I could trust them. … I don’t want to be judged, nor do I want to be felt sorry for….just to share and [to receive] genuine compassion.  (Read More)